a dream that is now muted and can longer hear

as moonlight sonata plays solemnly in a faded background
all i can think about are morbid pictures of lost times
lost dreams casted into a foggy swamp
the mist being the last bit of hope we all used to cling on to
a silent film of what used to be a boisterous movie of creativity
that once used to be in tchnicolor is now seen through sepia eyes

this tiny dot fades in and out an infinity amount of times

A butterfly's wing is torn everytime i feel distant from what may be growing
confused of where this friendship may lead, wondering if its worth the giddy prayer
can i handle one more disappointment, is this going to once again be built up into one big mistake.

Are you worth the longing?
I question myself all the time because you lead such a double life.
Maybe I'm the same
turning all systems off in public.

I get confused to whether or not there's actually something there
as innocent as it may be.
This is pulling to much at my emotions and mind
a glass shattering headache occurs with each confusion.

I'm patiently waiting for your next move
I need another clue to solve this almost unimaginable puzzle.
I just need to know

6 feet deep and my heand still isnt tired nor is my shovel dull

My mind and all thought crashes once again
as i let my heart take lead
losing all sense of reality of logic
allowing these insane notions to take charge

how stupid can this silly girl be?
again watching myself dig a whole so deep that soon the dirt will topple in
burying me alive

perhaps if i was to build myself a coffin of self doubt
it would allow atleast a couple more hours to live
telling myself i cant have you,
knowing that there was no use trying

but nope....this shovel is set on automatic once i reach this point of giddy misleading
allowing any sign of friendly gesture manifest into much more
in my own imagination of course.

Maybe the frustration will get to me first
killing me a tad quicker than denial's dirt suffocation
these sudden urges to just spill out useless words are sure to be suicidal
or maybe worse, awkward

Soon I won't be able to take it any more
but for now, i'll just let this shovel become dull

my own obsession

you were my guiltiest pleasure
fueling the line of fire  that was growing around us
telling me things you unknowingly shouldn't have
creating lustful images i wouldn't have dare confessed too you

but then i allow reality to set in
allowing my connections to you be cut
faded
or maybe plainly severed

now your absense in my life is driving me mad
no one to fulfill my attention craving
intellegence being gone from all forms of conversation
the joy plainly being sucked out of me

so many thing have been working against me
and i desperately want to grasp in your direction
but you know long are waiting with the life saver

Will you sit there and watch me drown?

i assume not

you're no longer around.....

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate

 This Mother Teresa gig is getting boring
when was i given the part as the saint?
the one afraid to ever take that chance to take that extra risk
should i show affection?or just feed onto the awkward silence

I was somehow handed the wrong hand in this deal.
Jokers card being kept in my deck,
Brainwashed by the images on screen
believing there was this odd word as emotion
or better yet,with even more insanity...love

why dont i just learn to give up
instead of allowing myself to be tasted and spit out
as if i was some wine that was terribly dry
letting my own denial coat my insides

To hear my voice is a priviledge
but some take that for granted
to hear my voice is to witness something open up in me
but with one action...it decides hybernate
killing yet again another cell of my self esteem

If you were to just hear the insanity that occurs in my head
thoughts of false images and insecurities bouncing from side to side


Mind waves of confusion and mistrust
awkwardness and lust
Thoughts collide in my mind, so many at one time
I crash and choose the easier route, innocense.

and the headlines will read.....

the lonliness we create for ourselves tends to overwhelm me at time
where did i ever go wrong?
I sit here, starring at a manifesting screen
swicthing back and forth from addiction to addictio
my mind begging for the attention others recieve
but with each refresh button i clock,
i just get more evidence to how useless i am

i know i am loved
i have friends
but with most of them i feel as if i'm taken for granted
that i can be pushed the corner in the back of thier minds so fast
being a little reminder of what the pathetic looks like
and be the annoyance in thier eventful lives that tend to exclude me from

is it wrong to starve for attention
especially when you've gone almost 20 years minus it
cant the quiet get their turn to be the center of attention?
i guess not

A Simple Childrens game

that one thread of us has weakened to such a point its nonexistent
where did this friendship fade?
i feel as though its primary due to my own lack of interest
how i took it upon myself to forget the world
but i didnt mean to unravel the thread this thin

never in my mind did i want us to reach this point
i have pushed so many of you away with barely no effort at all
the denial of my own life created a vagueness
the in ability to have any energy for life
i drained myself out along with friendship

i dont want to let go
i'm trying desperately to tug on this rope to keep it close
but wont the tugging just aid in the tear?
i guess i should just let go
shouldnt i?